**Satire: Dave Williams' Ultimate MAGA Purity Test

**Satire: Dave Williams' Ultimate MAGA Purity Test – Making Sure Republicans Never Win Again** Hello, fellow patriots and defenders of the true American way! It’s your favorite congressional candidate, Dave Williams, here to introduce my latest and greatest innovation in political strategy – the Ultimate MAGA Purity Test. That’s right, folks, I’ve decided that the only way to ensure victory in Colorado’s 5th Congressional District (CD-5) is to make sure that only the most extreme, the most uncompromising, and the most divisive candidates can call themselves true MAGA Republicans. Because, let’s face it, who needs a broad coalition when you can have a tiny, fervent fringe? First things first, let’s talk about the anti-gay requirement. In a world that’s increasingly moving towards acceptance and equality, I say, “Why not swim against the tide?” By insisting that all true MAGA Republicans must be anti-gay, I’m ensuring that we alienate not just the LGBTQ+ community, but also their friends, families, and anyone with a modicum of empathy. After all, nothing says “winning strategy” like turning off a significant portion of the electorate, right? Next up, the Christian nationalist clause. Who needs the separation of church and state when you can blend them into a delightful cocktail of exclusion and intolerance? By demanding that candidates align with Christian nationalism, I’m making sure we alienate not just non-Christians, but also Christians who believe in pluralism and the foundational principles of American democracy. Because, really, who wants a diverse and inclusive society when you can have a homogenous echo chamber? Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Dave, isn’t this going to make it harder for Republicans to win elections?” And to that, I say, “Exactly!” Why bother with the hassle of appealing to moderates, independents, or anyone who doesn’t fit into our narrow definition of a true MAGA Republican? By setting the bar so high (or low, depending on your perspective), I’m making sure that only the purest of the pure can pass. And if that means we lose elections, well, at least we’ll go down with our principles intact, right? Of course, there are those who might argue that this approach is divisive and counterproductive. But to them, I say, “Who needs unity when you can have purity?” By creating a stringent purity test, I’m ensuring that we weed out any potential traitors or moderates who might dilute our message. And if that means we end up with a fractured and weakened party, at least we’ll know that we stood firm in our beliefs. So, as we head toward the primary elections, I invite you to join me in embracing this bold new strategy. Let’s make sure that only the most extreme and uncompromising candidates can call themselves true MAGA Republicans. After all, who needs to win elections when you can have the satisfaction of knowing that you’re right, even if you’re in the minority? In conclusion, my Ultimate MAGA Purity Test is the perfect way to ensure that we never have to worry about winning elections again. By alienating large swaths of the electorate and insisting on the most divisive and exclusionary stances, we can rest easy knowing that we’re staying true to our principles, even as we watch our political influence dwindle. Here’s to purity over pragmatism, division over unity, and ensuring that Republicans never win again! Yours in unwavering extremism, Dave Williams